30 Years

It's been a while since I updated this blog.   I'm working 80 hour weeks at the charity right now.   Actually, 7 charities in 7 countries and I'm doing the jobs of many people as so many volunteers stepped down during Covid, we lost staff due to funding issues.  But the research goes on.   

I travel a lot now.  For research, for my other jobs.   I carry wings with me everywhere I go.

The days go by so fast.   I work nonstop.  I'm tired.   I'm disillusioned with people now.   

30 years.... 30 years of CDH.   I hate that CDH and the charity often overshadow you, my love.

I've been trying to avoid thinking about today.   This is a hard year.   You would be 30.  I am turning 50.  I am second-guessing my entire life.  I am wishing I could turn back time and never started the charity and given you every second of every day... and maybe you would still be here.   We both sacrificed so, so much.   But we follow the calling.  Lots of good has been done.  A huge CDH community was created because of you, sweetheart.

But I'd rather have you.   

Would you be tall, like me and your dad?  You looked so much like me but had your dad's build.   Would you have played baseball?   You loved books and cars.   You would've gone to college... engineer, I think.  Would you be married by now?  Would I be a grandmother?  I would've been the best grandmother.   

Words are failing me today.   I just want to go back.  Start over.  Be selfish and focus on one little boy instead of 1000's of other peoples' children.   You deserved that.

I miss you, Shane.   With ever fiber of my being, every second of every day for the rest of my life.   You were all the good in the world wrapped up into one perfect little boy.   Too good for this world.   I love you.   Always, forever, until you're in my arms again.

Love,

Mommy