September 11th marks 15 years since I last held you, kissed you, rocked you to death, looked at your face, tucked you in. 15 years ago CDH took you away from us. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes like a different life.
It's been a very busy year at the charity and I've been very busy remembering you, my son, my Shane. I took photos around Ireland with wings for you and all the cherubs. I was honored to stand with our charity and ring the closing bell on the New York Stock Exchange 2 weeks ago. I went to Capitol Hill for all of you. I lit a candle for you in St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin. I let balloons go for you in North Carolina. I remember you, Shane. Every single day. And I get up every single morning and I live. I really LIVE. Because if you can't be here to live and go on adventures and grow.... then I will do enough for the both of us.
"Being angry with God" has been a hot topic this year and I have to say... I have never been angry at God. I never asked "why you" or "why me". Why not you? Why not me? Babies get sick, children die, CDH strikes. Why would we be so special as to have immunity to that? Why would I wish it on someone else to spare us? This is the hand we were dealt, the lives were meant to have. And somehow, I think you chose this. I think you knew. And I think I'm the most blessed mommy in the world to have had 6 and a half years with you. How could I ever be angry when I'm so thankful? Is it fair? Of course not. But I'd rather accept what is and make the best out of it and honor your memory than crumble up and die or cloud your memory with anger. You didn't live or die in vain. I won't either. I owe you that.
I have met many, many other CDH families this year. I learn from every
single one of them. I am in awe of Zoe's compassion, humbled by
Jennifer's strength, inspired by Clair's tenacity, calmed by Ashley's
grace, pushed by Tara's passion, wowed by Josh's loyalty, floored by
Tracy's generosity.... every single day I learn from them and their
children. And every single day I feel closer to you by being closer to
them. And the cherubs... Princess Charley has your other "baby doll"
because it felt like it was always meant to be given to her. I see you
in her so much but such a determination and strength... she's going to
be here a long time and probably will have my job some day. I hope.
Brandon, your buddy... he's 18 now. Aunt Tara still like my sister.
Aunt Barb now I hope with you. And I pray you're watching over Aunt
Judi and Brenda. Life goes on and new CDH families come along, new
friendships are made and the old ones are cemented in my heart
forever. I cry over every baby lost, knowing the journey their mom and
dad is now taking and I ask you to guide each of them up there.
years... you're doing your job and I'm doing mine. <3 p="">3>