The Book

I am in the beginning stages of writing a book about Shane and the beginning of CHERUBS... they are too intertwined to not be about both.  

It's the first of 2 books I am writing, with help from some writer friends.   The 2nd book will be about the trials and tribulations of running a charity and rebuilding my life after losing my son.  It's pretty much like my life - as it's separated too into "Before losing Shane" and "After losing Shane".   The first book is about him.  The second book is about me.  

I don't know how long it will take me to write them but I'm starting.  I don't know when they will get published, but they will.   I'm not a "flowery" writer by any means... I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve too-honest-for-my-own-good person and my writing reflects that.  It's emotional, it's raw, it's honest, it's all the joys of having my miracle baby boy and all the pain of losing him.   Which means reliving all of it.   I'm not sure I'm ready even though he was born 20 years ago.   But I need to do this, for him, for me, for CDH awareness.

I've been going through all the medical records, the hospital audio tapes, playing videos, his cedar chest which is filled with his toys and books still and sits near my bed.   I've even going through the old audio tapes of me and his dad singing karaoke with him playing along and humming into the microphone laughing.  Who would've thought that sitting on our living room floor with a stereo system and our 6 yr old singing Garth Brooks songs would turn into something so incredibly precious.

I think going through all this stuff has probably made his birthday harder this year.  I can admit I am a basket case this year.  20 years... it can't be that long ago.   It truly seems like yesterday I was painting Precious Moments characters on his first birthday cake or shopping for a Big Bird cake pan for his 4th. 

Facebook makes it harder, no doubt.  How do newly grieving parents these days survive grief and Facebook????   Turn it off, parents... save yourselves the pain of seeing all the happy posts about new babies and all the terrible posts of horrible parenting. 

Turning 40 this year without any other children makes it much harder.   I guess having a perfect child for 6 and a half years was enough gift and I shouldn't expect more with such an incredible gift.  But it's hard.  Watching my step-sons and nieces and nephews hit all the milestones Shane will never have.... it's hard.  

Life isn't fair.   Good people get hurt.   Children sometimes die.   Horrible people get to be parents and good people have empty arms.   Someday God will explain it all to me but in the meantime, I know He has His reasons and it's all for a greater good.

So many people are posting and sending me messages today and it's so wonderful to have my little boy remembered.   I am very, very blessed to have some incredible people in my life.   Thank you, everyone for wishing my little boy Happy Birthday.  <3 p="">
Back to the books.....  I am going through CHERUBS old listservs.  Wow.  Time warp.  

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/cherubs/

Here is my son's last 6 months all journaled out to other CDH parents.  Here is the beginning of the CDH community.  

I'm going to repost some of the posts I wrote about Shane here.   <3 br="">