Mother's Day weekend.... ugh. I hate this holiday. Don't get me wrong, I love my own mom to pieces and she should absolutely be honored on Sunday, as should my mother-in-law and all moms. But for a grieving mom, it's a hard day. It hurts. A lot. I literally would give my life for a card with Shane's handprints on it or a paper cup full of daisies from him. Or now that he'd be 17, I guess a regular card and a hug from him would be more than enough. But he's not here. I don't get any more Mother's Days with him. I know I should be grateful for the ones I did have... but I'm greedy. I want my little boy here. I do have good memories of Mother's Day mornings with my ex-husband making me breakfast in bed and Shane toddling into the bedroom behind him and leaning on the bed. Cards from him, gifts from him (ok so his dad picked them out, but it still counts). My first Mother's Day gift of a Precious Moments figurine still means the world to me as it sits on a shelf in my office. I am blessed, I know that. I am grateful. But I just really miss Shane right now. That doesn't mean that I'm not completely in love with my other two sons. I am, and I am so so blessed to have them in my life and to have the opportunity to be a step-mom.
It's been crazy busy around here. CHERUBS is going non-stop with some pretty amazing things going on. REALLY amazing stuff going on! And I'm working on my regular job up to 50 hours a week right now. Plus the boys on 2 baseball teams. I am literally running on Mountain Dew lately. But it's all GOOD stuff! :)
2 weeks ago my hubby, boys and I participated in the March for Babies. We walked in memory of Shane and in honor of B (Craniosynostois and Preemie) and G (Preemie). It's rare that I get to do something for all 3 of my boys at once!!!! Love all 4 of my guys!!! :) B even came in 3rd place in the race and G in 4th place!
One of my friends pointed out that Shane's photo (on my shirt) in this photo was "Shane between his 2 brothers". Yeah, that had the waterworks starting! LOL
I got to meet Erin finally too! She walked in the march with us. She lost Zoe not too long ago to CDH too. Erin and I have become good friends and I think the world of her and Zoe holds a piece of my heart too. I get to hang out with Erin some more next week and am really looking forward to it!
And a few weeks ago I got to spend the weekend with one of my BFF's (yes, I said BFF!), Brenda. That's here in the jeans below. She's annoyingly gorgeous. ;) Brenda and I have been friends for 15 years and she's more like a sister than a friend to me. Through it all... having Shane, losing Shane, divorce, CHERUBS stuff, losing Debra, miscarriages, etc.... she's been there. Brenda lost 2 babies to CDH. I met her a year after she lost Amanda and while she was still pregnant with Nicholas. She's the 3rd member of CHERUBS. After 1 phone call, we became friends for love. Love you very much, Bren! I never would've made it through the last 11 years without you!
Yes, a lot of my friends have dealt with CDH too... that's how we became friends. What better friends than those who understand because they've walked in the same shoes? And so many knew Shane.... not many people really did when we were so isolated for so many years because of his medical issues. So those that knew him and loved him too.... how can I not feel like they are my family?
Happy Mother's Day to ALL moms this Sunday!!!!! Whether your children are here or they have wings. Motherhood doesn't end, ever. Being a mom is the most wonderful job in the world. Being a grieving mom (or dad) is the hardest job in the world. But we're still moms.
